My Personal Struggle with Binge & Emotional Eating

Due to my personal health issues, I have had to restrict from a variety of foods and products starting at a very young age. It felt like I was constantly on a diet, having to avoid foods that cause allergies, bloating and, later on, hormonal imbalances.

As I grew up, I started restricting more and more. For one, because I was severely struggling with body image issues, but also because I was so aware of what I should and should not be eating. It was almost as if I couldn’t do anything right. It was very similar to a case of orthorexia, which is a type of eating disorder that leads to an unhealthy obsession about eating healthy.

Since I was struggling so much with accepting my body as it was, I constantly dieted. I made sure to eat as little as possible, but would then obsess about getting in enough nutrients to be truly healthy. The thing is, I’m a foodie. I absolutely love food, I love to eat, to cook, to bake. Not allowing myself to have the foods that I was actually craving, was incredibly difficult for me. This is why, on some days, I could simply not stop myself. As soon as I had only one piece of chocolate or cake I would completely go overboard. There was no such thing for me as having just one, I needed to have it all. The whole pint of ice cream, the bag of M&Ms and everything else I had stored at home.

I felt really “high” during those binges, they made me feel full, warm and maybe even a bit powerful. This is when I also started using food as an outlet for my emotional pain. So instead of only binging because of restrictions, I now also started binging because it felt good, or at least it made me feel better in that particular moment. No matter what I was struggling with, how stressed I was or how bothered, the first thing that always came to mind was food, in order to distract myself.

However, after the „high“, there would come the downfall. After my binges, I would ALWAYS feel immense guilt. I was shaming myself, cursing at myself and creating a workout and diet plan that I would have to stick with the following week in order to make up for what I had done. I was so afraid to have ruined everything that I had spent so much hard work on. I felt like a failure and promised myself to never go there again, but as you can imagine, it happened again and again.

It took me many years, lots of self-development, therapy and insights, to realize that I had completely harmed my loving relationship with food by restricting myself and by using it as a bandaid for my issues. I started to learn what it actually meant to be taking care of myself, my body and especially my mind. Instead of giving in to food when I was feeling off, I truly started listening to my body and what it needed in that particular moment. Don’t get me wrong, even today, I notice how I am drawn to food as soon as I’m feeling stressed, nervous or simply emotional. However, I now take the time to dive deep and to discover what my body is actually telling me and what it is craving for. Interestingly, it mostly is not food.

Nowadays, I am still eating very healthy, but I have adapted a lifestyle that I absolutely love and enjoy. My routines and workouts have shifted to supporting my body and my health, rather than me trying to burn off as many calories as possible. I have started allowing myself to have whatever I wanted to and to love myself even if I felt like I had an off day or re-lived old patterns. Of course, this was incredibly difficult to achieve at first, because I was so fearful of the changes that were going to happen in regards to my body shape. It is funny to think that I was so scared to gain weight when letting go of my obsessions, but the thing is, I started to listen to my body’s needs and was able to maintain my body weight without any of the stress and restrictions I’ve had before. My weight fluctuates, sometimes I gain and sometimes I lose some and this is completely normal, especially as a woman. Of course I also have negative thoughts, limiting beliefs or setbacks from time to time, but I am now incredibly aware of these thoughts, I acknowledge them and I now know what to do.

“There is a conversation happening inside you, pay deep attention to what your inner world is saying”- rupi kaur

Do you struggle with disordered eating patterns or have troubles breaking out of an unhealthy vicious cycle of guilt and restriction? Just know, I feel you, I have been there and I know how much the obsession about your eating behavior takes over your life. Please reach out to me and I will assist you in listening to your body’s cues and to find what it actually needs and craves. Together we will tackle your disordered eating patterns and heal your relationship with food, your body and your mind, so that you can happily smile at yourself in the mirror again.

(I’ve written this little piece in my journal about 2-3 years ago when I was in a really bad headspace)